Last year I attended a mindfulness group as part of my recovery. I've never believed in group therapy or wanted to have any part of it. Let's just say that the idea of siting there, spilling my heart and innermost fears to a group of people; never mind a group of addicts didn't exactly appeal to me. But I went. Something really weird happened every Thursday afternoon. I began to share my feelings and fears. Stuff that I hadn't really told anyone properly before because I guess I felt that what I felt about my addiction was pretty unimportant and selfish when you consider all the other problems in the world. I started to believe that I actually had some advice that I could give people and I came away from these group sessions feeling like a huge weight had been lifted. I cried a lot, sometimes seemingly for absolutely no reason, (I'm sure deep down I probably could pinpoint the source of my tears) and by the end of the 32 weeks I talked more than anyone else there. I felt I had something to say about everything, I could relate to everyone. My boyfriend didn't understand, he couldn't and still can't see how anyone can tell people you don't really know things about yourself. He is a very private person. I kind of wish that I still went to this group, even though I completed it. Maybe part of why I am writing this blog is because I don't have those sessions anymore and I see that bottling everything up is beginning to affect me. I am pretty positive that I will never use heroin again. I don't think I should say that I never will, even though that is how I feel, but I don't want to become complacent, they say that addicts should never say never. I just feel quite down a lot of the time. Especially in the mornings. I get up before everyone else, (that's when I do things like this blog), it's my time to think, maybe too much. I sort of feel like my heart is sometimes going to beat out of my chest. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. This is when I feel the most guilt and real raw sorrow, at what my addiction has done to my family. About how I have lost all my friends who meant so much to me. About where I am now, and where I will be in the future. I feel like I am a nobody, and I so want to make a difference in this world. I feel like its too late. All of my old friends are getting married and having babies and buying houses. And it hits me that if and when I do have kids, they are going to grow up very differently to my friends children. If I ever own a house, it certainly won't be a Victorian terrace in Tunbridge Wells, my daughter would never go to the private, all girls school that I did, I won't be a yummy mummy rejuvenating herself at a spa while daddy takes care of the kids. I recently read a Facebook status update, posted by an old school 'friend'; 'woo, my Mercedes is ready for collection. Merry Christmas me!!' I've gotta tell you, my response was of the jealous bitch variety.
Even as I write this I know I sound like a spoiled brat. It's not even that I want that lifestyle or feel its important that my kids go to private school or live in a big house. I will love them and that will be enough. Its just the whole 'what if??' thing. The grass is always greener yada yada yada, but i will never know what my 'other' life would have been like, where an alternative path might have led me. Where would i be now?? I had choices. I went through phases, travelled around the world and lived in different places. But I settled for heroin. And that is the truth. That is what i chose, and heroin chose me. I remember a poem that someone gave me when i was in a detox unit in weston super mare, called Lady Heroin. I'll find it and post it one day soon. People can tell me all they want how I am not even 30 years old, I have all the time in the world. I can get a good job, I can have a career, I can get back to where I was before I f***ed everything up, but I don't see that I can, I really don't. I don't even know what I want to do. I don't know what I can do. I feel like I am totally left on the shelf. I feel like I'm drowning. The guilt I feel is like a cancer, eating away at me. I don't know the difference between doing things for myself that I want to do, and doing things to make my family happy and to try to prove that I am not just a junkie anymore. I am not giving up and I never will give up. I will always be a fighter, I enter a boxing ring every day and take on this demon on my back, and I am determined to always win.
I don't know if I am ready to go back to work, but I have to. I do not have a choice. I cannot continue to let my mum subsidise and support me like she is. She is scared to tell me the truth about her work situation. She has touched upon it and I know that things are bad and that it is a very real possibility that next year she may lose her job. She's told me that she is not worried about her. She would quite like life to give her that little push, (or actually in this case, quite a monumental shove). It would make her sell the house which she has intended to do at some point, it would mean she would have to slow down, it would mean that maybe she could just enjoy life for once. My mum is a fighter. Her story doesn't have a place here, but I will tell it another time. She tells me that she is find with what might and probably will happen to her but she is terrified of how Danny and I will cope, of what we will do and how we will be able to afford to live in our own place and eat and just live.
Even just reading this I am ashamed of how weak I sound. I'm sure there are scores of you screaming at the screen 'get a job you lazy druggie benefit scum'. A job. I must apply for a hundred jobs a week. I know that I have a strong cv and a good cover letter to go with it and I truly believe that every application that I send off is a good one. But I haven't been asked for one interview yet. I havent been given one chance to show someone who I really am. I am just a piece of paper, black and white with a lot of restaurant experience and a huge gaping hole of five years and counting in my employment history. Mum tells me that applying for jobs online is not enough, people need to meet me to see that i am quite presentable and polite as you cant tell anything about who someone really is from an online application. But im looking for receptionist jobs. What can i do?? Isnt it a bit weird to walk in to an office and ask for work?? Its not like a restaurant. I would feel a bit stupid. I have to be honest, there is something holding me back. Otherwise i would do exactly what i just said. I am terrified go back to work. Its a huge step. It will completely change my life. For the better, so whats the problem, what is wrong with me?? I have an English literature degree, and I am applying for receptionist and office admin jobs. I know, I know, my mum must be so proud. My brother has just completed his masters at Cambridge. THE CAMBRIDGE!! He got a city job straight away and he is doing amazingly. I am so proud of him. But i can't help but compare myself to him, it's what I've always done. I need to grow some balls.
Since I started writing this things have developed. I am absolutely terrified, but I guess the next chapter of my life has begun. I don't know how long blog posts can be, but I'm going on a bit now, I doubt that anyone is going to sit and read posts like this. I looked up a couple of online blogs about life and they were all pretty with pictures and tips for healthy eating and home decoration and fashion tips. It got me to thinking - what am I trying to do with this blog?? I don't want it to become like a diary, and although I want to get across my experiences of addiction I don't want it just to be about that. I don't want that to be all that people see. So in future posts I will try to a) make my writing shorter and b) focus on one subject and write about that for each post rather than just rambling on about how I am feeling. I have always wanted to write a book about what I have done, like a diary of an addict, from the bottom to the top, comi through addiction etc etc but I'm not sure hat this is the place.. If anyone on earth has read this, tell me what you think. What are you interested in??
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